Archive for August, 2011

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August 31, 2011

Yeah, I’m Divorced (sort of). Wanna Make Something Of It?

Response to Hello, My Name is Divorce (Lee Block on Huffington Post)

I appreciate what the author says here, about not defining ourselves by our marital status, but I think it becomes very salient in some situations, particularly at back-to-school time. While I realize that the kids who go to school with mine have all kinds of families, what’s most obvious and still seems most common is the presence of the nuclear families that include one mom and one dad who are married to one another. When I attend school events I’m particularly conscious of no longer being part of one of those families and I feel like everyone else must be noticing that too. (Of course chances are the other people aren’t thinking about it at all!) Sometimes I have the urge to just say something about it – put it out there so I KNOW people are thinking about it instead of wondering whether they are.

I also think there’s something to be said for “claiming” a divorced identity in the way that people claim other stigmatized identities. I’m not sure why people still assume that a divorced woman is a victim, but I find this assumption annoying and usually feel the need to set people straight. I am a strong woman and I do not feel victimized! www.rearrangingatoms.com

– Mylilhurricane

Link to this comment on Huffington Post

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August 30, 2011

Guess Who’s your Knight in Shining Armor? An open letter to Ahappyalchemist from Mylilhurricane

Dear Ahappyalchemist,

YOU are your own knight in shining armor, you know that? We’ve discussed this concept before in relation to a friend, but I’m not sure you see that you, too, are rescuing yourself. I’ve been watching you trudge grimly toward divorce, wishing there was some other way. I know the realities of your situation have challenged your efforts to stay positive and you’ve felt bad about that. But I want you to know that I’m inspired by what I’ve seen. So let me tell you a thing or two about yourself…

You are brave. Ending a marriage when you have a child is just plain scary — there is so much uncertainty. It’s hard to know how to slay a dragon you’ve never seen before and a lesser woman might not even try, but you’ve charged boldly into the fray. When asked if one can still be brave if she’s scared, as wise person once said “that is the only time one can be brave.” I’m not sure who that wise person was, but I love the notion and I think it applies to you.

You are strong. Your quest is to create the life that you and your son deserve, and it’s not for the weak of heart. The easier road may be to just leave well enough alone, but to those who accept great risk comes the chance of great reward. It’s been hard on you I know, but you’re persevering and it’s because of your strength that you’re going to find what you seek.

You are loyal. You’ve been such a good friend to me as I navigate my own separation, picking me up when I’m down and celebrating with me when things are looking up. Despite your own struggle you’ve found it in you to encourage me, and I know you have my back no matter what challenges I might have to face.

You are honorable. This, most of all, is what makes me proud to call you my friend. Lawyers dispense advice intended to protect us, but they’re not always concerned with our sense of honor. You’ve followed your lawyer’s advice when you needed to, but drawn the line when it went against who you are. This is the mark of a truly great knight.

You are generous & wise. I have tremendous respect for your desire to ease this transition for your ex in the best way you can. I’ve been inspired by your generosity and by your genuine happiness for his recent success.  And it’s clear that you know that despite everything else, your son and his father need one another.  Your efforts to ensure they get time together demonstrate your wisdom and reveal your open heart.

You are beautiful. I don’t know whether knights are supposed to be tall, dark, and handsome — if so, it would be tough to describe you as such. But I can say that you are a beautiful woman inside and out. In times like this it can be difficult to remember that, but I want to make sure you don’t forget it.

The sun will be shining brighter soon enough, you’ll see. In the meantime, if you need someone to help you polish your armor you know where to find me.

Cheering you on with love, Mylilhurricane

Posted in Divorce | Leave a Comment »

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August 9, 2011

You’ll Confuse the Children!

Originally posted on Tanzi Craig’s Solo Parenting Blog

I’d call myself a pseudo-single-parent, just like I’m a pseudo-ex-wife. My husband and I separated about 10 months ago, but we still live together and still do things as a family with our 4-and 6-year-olds. I spend more time parenting solo then I did when I was married, but probably less time than many other divorced or separated people do.

When I tell people about our “arrangement,” a common question is whether it’s confusing for our kids. And it’s not just people I know who are concerned about this possibility. In fact, in a recent blog in the Huffington Post’s Divorce section Lauren Howard, a Clinical Social Worker, warned against staying friendly with your ex for this very reason (The Myth of the Amicable Divorce).

After trying to swallow my initial defensiveness at this question, here’s what I’ve got say to those who are concerned.

First of all, is a bit of confusion so bad that it should prevent us from doing something that there are other good reasons for doing? We do lots of things that might confuse our kids, but we simply do our best to explain. Getting a shot at the doctor is confusing for kids. We’re supposed to care about them and doctors are supposed to help them, so why would we let the doctor hurt them? But we do. It’s confusing for kids when Mom and Dad (even in an “intact” family) go out on a Saturday night and leave them at home. Why can’t they come along? Or why don’t their parents want to stay home with them? And yet we explain, and go out anyway. In a similar way, we go ahead and go to work, go for a run, go to the mall, or go to our own doctor appointments and leave our confused kids behind.

Second, I’m not sure that kids are as easily confused as we think they are. Among the many things my kids know is that Mommy & Papa:

  • Love them and want to live with them. And there are lots of other people (my ex’s girlfriend included) who love them too.
  • Have to spend time working to pay for food and our house, and like to spend time with other friends and doing adult things that don’t involve kids.
  • Want to do fun things with them. Papa is more likely to take them to an amusement park and Mommy is more likely to take them for a walk in the woods.
  • Have somewhat different rules for them (they’d tell you Mommy says “no” more often) and whoever is with them at the time is in charge.

What’s so confusing about that?

And what about you? What do you worry your kids might be confused about? And what do they know for sure?

- Mylilhurricane

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