May 11, 2011

But didn’t she have it all?

A post by guest-blogger Anewnormal…

It was with sadness but not surprise that I read the news of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s separation.  For many years I have attended Maria’s Women’s Conference in California and have listened intently to her share her personal and spiritual journeys.  Many of them were framed by the events in her life – a husband’s new job, a child’s challenge, a parent’s death.  But I sensed that underlying all of them was her deep yearning to find her place.  As women, we dedicate ourselves to the hopes, dreams and needs of everyone else in our lives – our children, our spouses, our parents, our co-workers, our friends.  Over time we become chameleons, changing our own hopes and dreams to match those of our loved ones. 

After 10 years of marriage, working full time and raising two young children, I woke up one day and realized that I couldn’t answer the question “what would you do if you had an entire day just to do what you want to do.”  I had no passion for the things that would bring me satisfaction and joy – in fact, I wasn’t even sure what those things were anymore.  I had supplanted my own needs and desire for those of everyone around me.  It had happened slowly over time as I reacted to the demands of life, but the deep depression that followed came quickly and intensely. 

As I listened to Maria share her journeys in intimate detail, I would see glimpses of my own insatiable thirst to rediscover myself and what I needed/wanted/liked/desired.  So, almost three years ago now, I left my marriage and began the work of finding my own way.  There were of course challenges along the way – figuring out finances, custody schedules, living alone for the first time in my life.  But amazingly, even in the midst of the difficult transition to separate homes and lives, the fog that had surrounded me began to lift.  Suddenly I enjoyed things more as I allowed myself to discover them through a new lens and gave myself permission to want things for my own life.  I tried things I wouldn’t have tried before, I spoke up for myself more, I even got a hobby. 

Today things aren’t perfect, but I am happier and I live every day appreciating the fact that my happiness is good for those around me.  I am no longer a chameleon to the needs of my loved ones, and actually I now encourage them to find their own way and fiercely protect some sense of individuality.

It is my sincere hope that Maria can do the same – her stewardship of her family was her ultimate gift to them.  Now she deserves to find her own way. 

- Anewnormal

Anewnormal is the mother of two elementary school aged children and a full-time professional.  She is passionate about traveling, wine, photography, and giving back to her community.

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May 5, 2011

Seeing my ex through the eyes of a 6-year-old T-ball team

05/05/11: Response to Seeing my ex through new eyes (Molly Monet on Huffington Post)

This piece makes me wonder if it’s a common experience to remember the reasons one appreciates an ex while watching them interact with kids. I had the same experience this past weekend watching my ex coach our six-year-old’s T-ball team. He really got into it – cheering the kids, high-fiving them, and asking if they were having fun. I admired how he was able to bring a proud, if sometimes hesitant smile to each kid’s face with his energetic praise for their effort. Some of them looked a bit surprised by his enthusiasm – some were even a little befuddled, but eventually you’d see that smile pop out on each one of their faces.

It was even cooler to sit next to the other parents, some of whom also seemed a bit taken aback at first by the coach’s enthusiasm toward their kids — like they weren’t sure if he was for real. But as they slowly realized he was sincere, I could literally feel their pride swelling too. He was able to make that game into exactly what 6-year-old T-ball is supposed to be about: Fun, confidence-building, and community.

Despite the fact that we weren’t able to make our marriage work, I’ve always maintained that my ex is a phenomenal Dad. This weekend I was happy to see him spreading to others what our kids benefit from everyday. And in that moment I felt honored to be part of his family. www.rearrangingatoms.com

- Mylilhurricane

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May 2, 2011

When We Simply “Can’t Divorce”

5/2/11: Response to U.S.-Pakistan: Bad Marriage, No Divorce (Michael O’Hanlon in Politico)

As if the word “divorce” doesn’t have enough negative baggage already, a news story about the raid yesterday that killed Osama bin Laden likens the relationship between the U.S. and Pakistan to a bad marriage in which divorce isn’t a possibility.

The writer argues that U.S. foreign relations may require that the U.S. stay in a “bad marriage” with Pakistan. My hope is that women who feel trapped in bad marriages realize that alternatives exist. And these alternatives involve so much more than the traditional divorce, especially in relationships that involve kids. Today some couples sidestep the animosity that colors many separations and figure out how to cooperate; they get together for regular family meals, special holidays and celebrations. Some couples rotate in and out of their home and their kids stay put, so that they have the stability of one home. Other couples share the same home with their kids but live separate lives. There are so many variations.

In the case of the U.S. and Pakistan, Michael O’Hanlon writes that the parties basically must stick it out. “It has been a rough last few weeks—-and, in fact, a rough last few decades—-in U.S.-Pakistan relations,” writes O’Hanlon, a senior fellow at Brookings. “Yet we have no choice but to work together. We are stuck in the geostrategic equivalent of a bad marriage— in a land with no allowance for divorce. The relationship must be worked on, and, to the extent possible, repaired.”

So basically, cooperation is necessary with this unsavory ally, according to this political writer, because we need Pakistan’s help for a breakthrough in Afghanistan peace talks. He argues that the U.S. can’t just walk away from this bad relationship. He concludes that: “When you are in a marriage you can’t get out of, the right approach is to try even harder to make it work.”

As more women become more finally independent — and yes, women now officially outnumber men in the workforce — and as a growing number women feel more confident and powerful, they may no longer need to stay in marriages they “can’t get out of.” Certainly, some women still feel trapped in bad marriages if they can’t afford two separate homes, if they worry they may lose custody of their kids, if they feel too frightened of the unknown, if they feel dependent on their spouse for a myriad of reasons. Have you ever felt trapped in a bad marriage? How did you find your way out?

- Ahappyalchemist

Link to this comment on Politico

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May 1, 2011

What if we accepted the premise “once a family, always a family”?

5/1/11: Response to After the divorce, can my stepson still be my friend? (Deborah Gaines on Salon)

I think this piece goes to show that when it comes to defining “family”, everyone involved has a say. I love that the kids in this case refused to give up their family even when two of the members decided they couldn’t stay together – and that their perseverance ultimately meant the family continued (albeit in a different form). I wouldn’t advocate that parents stay together “for the kids”, and I believe that adults need to consider their own needs (along with those of others) when determining the direction of their adult relationships. However, I think we’re inherently less creative than kids are when considering the possibilities for how families can evolve. We get all bogged down in how things are supposed to be and sometimes we have too many examples and role models that show us mostly how to make a mess of things.

Kids have less experience with these things, they have fewer presuppositions, and they don’t know how we’re “supposed to” go about breaking up.  They just know they want to keep their family, and while, like us, they may have an ideal in mind, they’re ultimately better able to adjust to variations on exactly how that family looks or works. Not being in charge or able to control what the adults in the situation do, I guess they have to be.

And we can learn a lot from them. From a kid’s perspective, members of a family don’t all have to live together (many of them don’t live with both of their parents or all of their siblings).  Members of a family don’t have to be married or “romantically involved” (most family members obviously aren’t). Members of a family don’t even have to get along all that well (think back to your last big family gathering, did everyone get along?). From a kid’s perspective it must seem ridiculous when adults insist that certain people are no longer part of their family because they don’t fit into all these criteria.

 It makes me wonder… what if, even in the midst of a break-up, we could accept the premise of “once a family always family”? What if we started from there, and kept in mind that even if we no longer live together, are no longer married or romantically involved, no longer get along – we are still a family. Might that help us shift, even slightly, how we experience our break-ups? Might it help us make things easier on our kids? www.rearrangingatoms.com

- Mylilhurricane

Link to this comment on Salon

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April 28, 2011

What’s good for me is good for everyone

4/14/2011 – Response to “Stop Putting Your Kids First” by Vicki Larson, HuffPost

I agree that parents shouldn’t sacrifice their needs for the sake of their kids – and I think this includes deciding whether or not to separate.

When the possibility of divorce is raised, someone usually comments, “Aren’t you worried that this will ruin your kids?” Many people still believe that staying together for the sake of the children makes sense. I question this long-held wisdom.

My son loves me and he loves his dad. He would not like to learn that his parents are separating, if that’s the route we ultimately choose. But I wonder how parents who stay in a troubled marriage are behaving in a way that benefits their children. Does it make sense to sacrifice one’s happiness hoping that it will save our kids pain and discomfort? Or is there already pain and discomfort living in a home when parents aren’t in synch? I believe in the guiding principle that what’s good for me is good for everyone, and conversely what’s bad for me is bad for everyone. It means that families actually function as a unit. When you take care of yourself and your own needs, are you also taking care of your kids?

www.rearrangingatoms.com

- ahappyalchemist

Link to this comment on Huffington Post

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April 26, 2011

Maybe if we weren’t so extreme about how we do marriage OR divorce this would all be a lot easier?

4/12/11: Response to Diagnosis… Divorce?: Why Does Divorce Rank Up There with Death of a Spouse? (Rachel Clark on Psychology Today)

I think Crimson’s right. It’s interesting… I sometimes wonder if the fact that I never really threw myself full-force into marriage in this “all-American way” was a primary reason that mine failed. But I know FOR SURE that my unwillingness to do so is one thing that’s making its failure easier to handle.

I never thought of my marriage as a merging of two people. I didn’t want to give up my friends, or my ex-boyfriends, or my interests, or my “me time”. And, not surprisingly, my marriage lacked intimacy – maybe because of my hesitation to merge with my husband in the way I was “supposed to”, or maybe for other reasons, or maybe a little of both. But I did feel that I was able to hold on to who I was, at least until we had kids, then it started to become more difficult.

All of this means that my new, post-marriage life is not a huge departure from my married life. Old friends have become busy with other things while my attention has been on my family, but for the most part they’re not too far gone to call back. And like my marriage, I’m not doing my “divorce” in the typical way – we’re still sharing our home and not pursuing an official dissolution of our marriage. This means the financial aspects of divorce are, at least for the time being, not impacting me greatly. Even more importantly, living together with our kids means I’m not feeling the loss of my family in quite the same way that many divorced people do.

Maybe if we could change BOTH how we do marriage AND how we do divorce, with neither being quite so extreme, this whole thing would be a lot easier for all of us?

- Mylilhurricane

Link to this comment on Psychology Today

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April 25, 2011

A marriage doesn’t have to last forever to be successful

Comment on New York Times magazine article “Ellen Barkin is No Uptown Girl” by Alex Witchel, April 22, 2011

As I see the writing on the wall, the fact that my husband and I are heading toward separation, I take particular solace any time I come across someone describing an amicable split — especially when kids are involved. In this weekend’s NY Times magazine, actress Ellen Barkin talks about how she and her ex-husband, actor Gabriel Byrne, continued to celebrate their kids’ birthdays together — even their own birthdays together –long after their marriage ended. “Any time I cook a holiday meal, Gabriel comes here, and Christmas is usually his holiday, so then I go there,” Barkin said. “I don’t think a marriage has to last forever to be successful, and I think we had a good marriage and we managed to keep what was good about it alive for 25 years.” Every marriage does have some positives, things you shared, a spark that brought you together, and in some cases, kids you created whom you hope will thrive even when your marriage could not. That is my hope as I face uncertainty and concern about how my family will reconfigure after we separate. It’s a dream of mine that my son will have both parents at his birthday parties, at his important school events, and even at holiday meals. Parents don’t need to live together to share special occasions and provide their kids with as much love as they can on special occasions. That’s an act of selflessness that I hope we both can manage. Have you been able to have family meals or birthdays together with your ex for the sake of the kids? How has this worked for you?

– ahappyalchemist

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April 23, 2011

When it comes to my family, a divorce doesn’t mean anyone gets voted out

4/14/11: Response to Divorce is Not Your Average Opportunity for Growth (OFG) (Susan Pease Gadoua on Huffington Post)

I agree that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and also that it’s not just your average opportunity – it’s a monster-sized one. And thank god that something good can come out of an experience that’s so difficult for so many people. But I question whether some of these other negative things HAVE to be true? Or are we so set on carrying out some traditional script of “how divorce goes” that we don’t see all the options that could be open to us? For example, my (ex)husband and I split up about 7 months ago. We have two young children and we still consider ourselves to be a family – more than just co-parents. I imagine that our family will flex and change over time, and that new members might be included. But I don’t see any reason that the original four members of our family should not always see ourselves in that way. I wonder, might we be able to grow even more from the opportunity divorce offers if we broadened our views of how we could go about it and what it can mean for our lives? www.rearrangingatoms.com

- Mylilhurricane

Link to this comment on Huffington Post

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April 21, 2011

I Had a Drink with My (Ex)Husband’s New Girlfriend – and I Really Liked Her.

4/9/11: Response to Would You Introduce Your Ex to Your New Love? (Karen Buscemi on Huffington Post)

I can speak to this from the other side of the fence – I found it extraordinarily helpful to meet my ex’s girlfriend.

Shortly after we separated my ex started dating someone he was quite serious about and wanted me to meet her. Since we’ve got two kids together and continue to share our home, it seemed important that we find a way for the girlfriend and I to have a positive relationship. There were some misunderstandings in the beginning, before she and I met, and my ex felt that getting to know her would reassure me there was no ill-intent.

We decided to meet without my ex present — just the girlfriend and I, having a drink in the local bar. I was a bit nervous, but game. She was there when I arrived and her tremendously friendly greeting disarmed me immediately.  We spent a couple of hours chatting about the things women chat about, and I discovered that I like her very much. In fact, I’m sure we could be very good friends, if only I didn’t have to share her with my ex!

In my experience, this kind of meeting, planned, on neutral turf, without the kids or even the ex as an audience, really allowed us to become comfortable with each other very quickly. And a bit of vodka probably didn’t hurt either! I’d definitely recommend such a meeting as a way to start off this kind of relationship on the right foot. www.rearrangingatoms.com

- Mylilhurricane

Link to this comment on Huffington Post.

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April 17, 2011

My Six-Year-Old Says if We’d Told Him about our Divorce Last Summer He’d be Happy By Now

4/7/11: Response to Talking to Kids about Divorce (Lisa Belkin on NYT)

My (ex)husband and I just had a conversation with our 4-year-old and 6-year-old about the end of our marriage. Although we’ve been separated for more than 6 months, the children weren’t aware because we still share our home and we plan to continue doing so. We let them know we aren’t married anymore and tried to reassure them by telling them it had been this way for some time already, and haven’t we all been having a good time together? Wasn’t Christmas nice? We already weren’t married then. Wasn’t our trip to Six Flags last August nice? We already weren’t married then.

Our six-year-old was very upset none-the-less. I was a bit surprised, because I wasn’t sure what the concept of marriage meant to him — I thought the most important thing would be that we’re all still living together. But he surprised me in another way as well. Later that night he asked me “Why didn’t you tell me when we went to Six Flags last summer? If you had I’d be happy by now.” Somehow, at the tender age of six, he already understands that when something hurts us the pain fades with time. Sometimes I think we (and I’m at the front of that line) do not give kids enough credit for being able to handle tough situations and understand complex concepts and relationships. It breaks my heart to know we’re hurting our kids at all, but I’m optimistic that we’ll be able to continue to talk openly about what’s happening, and that we’ll all come out ok on the other side. www.rearrangingatoms.com

- Mylilhurricane

Link to this comment on NYT

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