Shortly after we separated my (ex)husband asked if he could invite his new girlfriend to our town while the kids and I were away for a few days. Not only did I say yes to that, I also said it was okay for her to spend time in our home, which we still share. Some people are surprised that I’d welcome her in that way so soon after we split up, but I figure if I’m not going to be with him, why should I care if she is? And what difference does it make if that happens at our house? I was very comfortable with my decision, maybe even a little bit smug, and when my friends protested that I was too laid back I declared they were being silly.
And then she left her razor in my shower.
At first I thought it was kind of funny – my husband’s girlfriend left her hot pink razor in my shower! I told a few friends “listen, you’ll never believe this!” But as it turned out my friends didn’t think it was funny. Instead they were incensed. They told me I was being disrespected. They said she was marking territory. That she was sending me a message and it said I WAS HERE. “Don’t believe for a second that it was an accident,” they said. “Watch your back.” Soon enough I was furious. I was a spurned wife, betrayed and ready to go to battle. Before I knew it I found myself reading from the traditional script of divorce, despite all the efforts I was making to do things differently.
My ex and I had a knock-down drag-out fight. There were tears. And then hugs. And eventually there was laughter, at my own inability to stick to the alternate divorce script I’d been trying to write.
I’m glad I found my way back to my own script before I could do too much damage to the new, still fragile world we’re trying to create – where exes get along, welcome new partners, and even do what they can to help each other’s budding relationships succeed. I’ve since realized that in navigating this unchartered territory we’ve each probably done 100 things right for every mistake we’ve made – the mistakes are just easier to see (especially when they take the form of a hot pink razor). I’ve also asked my friends to support me, my ex, and his girlfriend too, in forging this new world and rejecting the more common negative script of divorce. They’re doing their best, but still watching my back, and that’s all I can really ask.
Have you ever found yourself unintentionally reading from someone else’s script?
- Mylilhurricane
Of COURSE we’ll try to be careful with our kids’ hearts (and our own), but I believe that some risk-taking in life is both good and necessary to live fully. I know I want to teach my kids that.
